Archives for category: Grammar Police

No, I didn’t die.  When I lost the 2012 election, I wrote another book, which will be out in April.  However, I have been begged, well, asked, well it’s been suggested that the 2014 election is coming up and that it was time to restart my campaign.  After all, as I go about asking for votes, I can also promote the book.  I’ve always believed that the tax laws for writers are generous because so many members of congress intend to write books once they leave the Senate.  I intend to make no changes to this excellent arrangement.

I am going to introduce bills that promote education, particularly in the area of correct grammar.  No one should be let out of high school unless they know when to use ‘less’ and when ‘fewer’.  Students should also have a clear understanding of the apostrophe.  Fines shall be imposed on media representatives and government officials for each grammar error they make in public.  Sloppy speech should only be in private and between consenting adults.  At no time should children be exposed to adjectives in adverbial settings.

Of course, there are other matters of importance that I shall address in the course of the campaign.  But the base of civilization is the clear exchange of ideas and opinions.  The foundation under this base is grammar.

So, here I am again, asking for you to write in my name as Senator at Large.  One term only; I’m in it for the benefits.  Failing that, considering pre-ordering my next book, which is as close to a political statement as I’m likely to make.

The story of the first Queen of Crusader Jerusalem and the world in which she lived.  April 2014

The story of the first Queen of Crusader Jerusalem and the world in which she lived. April 2014

 
Whee! I didn’t know about this. Even with piles of work to do and tons of unfinished business, Congress gets to declare their own recess and go home to play.  What a great idea!  It’s like going on vacation the week before a big project is due.  Even better, congresspeople can put off doing anything nasty until they’ve been reelected.  Is this a great country or what?  it’s like leaving your teenagers and saying you’ll be back when they turn 21.  Tell me you were never tempted, I dare you.

So I’ve been on recess, too, just to see if I can manage this part of the job.  I think I’ve got it covered.  Remember, all I want is the health insurance and the pension.  I promise not to vote on anything that doesn’t involve my passionate belief that the grammar of the nation must be preserved.  I actually said ‘hung’ when I meant ‘hanged’ the other day.  It’s insidious.
So, if you don’t vote for me, although you should, see just what your local reps are doing during recess.   Remember the trouble you got into when let out of school?

Not watching the debate tonight.  I’m streaming disaster movies.  Time to get ready for the inevitable (see my apocalypse blog)  Sharan

I know I haven’t been campaigning very hard lately.   It’s been too hot to think about politics, although that hasn’t stopped the big kids from crisscrossing the country.   I am wondering if it’s worth a summer in Washington DC to get that pension and health care.  But a public servant does have to make sacrifices.

Just in case you’ve forgotten what my platform is, and I hope you haven’t because I can’t remember some of it, I’ll list them.

  1.  Grammar shall be taught in all public schools and remedial classes established for those no longer in school.  No one may become a journalist or commentator unless they have passed this course and know when to use an objective pronoun.  That goes for sports announcers, too.
  2. Forget vouchers and the Affordable Health Care act.  We need cradle to grave national health.  I really don’t think it would cost more.  After all, Medicare kicks in just when we’re getting old enough to be paying the price for 65 years of high living and not paying attention to our health.  Wouldn’t it be better to let everyone have a free physical every year so that we could prevent things like diabetes, blocked arteries and cancer?  This is so self-evident that I don’t understand why everyone isn’t on board with it.
  3. By popular demand, men shall have the same control over their reproductive organs as women.  This includes having to spend a month in sole charge of a two-year-old before getting Viagra.  They should also have to prove publicly that they need it.
  4. Tax money should be put in at the bottom.   We all know that the rich just get richer so I believe that the rest of us should have some fun with it before it gets to them.  This is another thing that makes complete sense to me.  Those who think more jobs will be created if we give money to the wealthy just aren’t thinking logically, unless they mean in the service industry – butlers, chauffeurs and maids.  But, if poor people get money, they buy things like TVs, cars and hardcover books.  That’s what creates jobs.

 

That’s all I’ve come up with so far.  Now, someone explained to me recently that they didn’t want the government to be in charge of these things because “they always screw it up”.  I’ve thought long and hard about this and finally found the flaw in his argument.  Actually TWO flaws.  The first is that this man wants to let the same multinational companies that stole pensions, wrecked the housing industry and are polluting the planet to be in charge of our health, education and welfare.  In response to a letter of complaint I sent to Mobil Oil some time ago, the company informed me that it didn’t make moral decisions.  Other companies have made it clear by their actions that they are also amoral.  So why does this guy trust them to do what’s best for him and do it better than the government?

Which brings me to the second logical flaw; WE ARE THE GOVERNMENT.  I may not seem like it sometimes, but everyone who votes is part of the government.  If we elect crooks then it’s our own fault.  But at least we can vote them out, if we care enough.   I have voted in every primary, general and local election since I turned 21.  There were a lot of depressing results but I still had a chance to cancel out the vote of someone who obviously didn’t understand the issues as clearly as I did.

So, while I really want you to vote for me, if only in the interest of improving the quality of English spoken in the country, the main thing is for you to vote.  If we don’t remember that we are each a part of the government, then one day we won’t be.  America will officially become an oligarchy instead of a republic.

Vote Sharan, senator at large!!!

No agenda, I just want the pension!!

 

   Recently, it occurred to me that the best way to stop worrying about health insurance and retirement was to get a job where benefits are never cut.  After some research, I decided to run for Congress. Then I did a little more research and discovered that one has to serve at least five years to get a full pension.  So, I’ve amended my original plan and am running for the Senate.

I have chosen to run as a senator at large.  This means that I won’t represent any one state but the entire country.  It’s a big responsibility but I can handle it for six years.  Then I’ll resign, take the pension and let someone else have the job.  Also, as the 101st member, I can be the tie-breaker, even if it leaves the Vice-President with nothing to do.

Now, obviously, I can’t run without a platform.  I’ve asked all my “friends” on Facebook to give suggestions and added a few pet peeves of my own.  I’ll list some now, but I’m happy to hear from potential constituents about their concerns and shall update as often as possible.

 

Plank #1: Medicare should start at birth.

My sister, Beccy, and most health care professionals I’ve spoken to, agree with this.  Their idea, however odd it may seem to us lay people, is that if people get regular check-ups all their lives, they are less likely to develop serious conditions.  Medical experts point out that many health problems, like diabetes and high cholesterol, can stem from lifestyle choices and can be prevented if people understand from childhood which choices are best.  The diseases that occur anyway could at least be caught at an earlier stage.  This would also get rid of the debate about the mandate to make us buy health insurance and I’m really tired of the rants about that.

Plank #2: By Popular Demand…

This wasn’t high on my list but I seem to be in the minority.  Many of my respondents were passionate in their insistence that men be equal to women in reproductive issues.  Among the proposals that I can repeat were:  Any man wishing to take Viagra must prove, in public, that he needs it.  Men should then have invasive and painful exams before they get the prescriptions.  Finally, all men should be made to watch several hours of birthing room videos, complete with screams, blood and the head crowning and sign a waiver that promises they will be in attendance at the birth of any offspring.   These seem fair to me and they were some of the kinder suggestions.  Suffice to say that many women feel men have been left out far too long in the debate about ramifications of advances in reproductive medicine.

 

Plank #3: A New Watchdog Force: The Grammar Police

          This is my very own idea and the one I feel most strongly about.  When elected, I shall introduce a bill making it mandatory that all politicians and anyone who speaks in a public forum, like news reporters, company executives, sports commentators and, especially, talk show hosts, MUST know the difference between the nominative and objective pronoun, farther and further, between and among and be able to put an apostrophe in the correct place, in case they also need to write down what they say.

This plank struck a nerve among my friends and I have many volunteers to be local coordinators of the Grammar Police.  I propose no violent retribution, but a gentle guiding toward correct English and a ban on further speaking until the perpetrator has learned the rule.  Remember, the First Amendment guarantees the right to speak freely, not badly

 

 

Well, this is the first formal salvo in my campaign.  If you have a particular matter that you feel the Senate should take up, let me know.  And, if you want to get in line to have the seat (and the pension) after I do, well, no one has signed up yet.

Please feel free to share this link.  As Senator at Large, I represent everyone and I have no party or contributors to answer to.  Actually, I don’t need contributions, just votes.

 

Vote for me, please!  I could really use the Perks!